Tuesday, January 8, 2008

It's 5:30 AM...

...and why am I not sleeping? I feel so incredibily exhausted and would love to be asleep, but the feeling of guilt and remorse has overcome my desire to sleep. This night has not been much different compared to the nights over the past two weeks. The only difference is I kinda lost my temper tonight. So...you're probably wondering why I would sit down to write a very random blog at 5:30 in the morning. Well, maybe because I have mean thoughts in my head and I have to put them down somewhere.

This dry Utah weather has really taken it's toll on my health and I've been really struggling with a horrible cold for almost two weeks now. It's been impossible to sleep because as soon as I lay down, I cough. I'm amazed that even NiQuil hasn't helped in the least. Not only have I been up most of these nights coughing, but Kashton has been crying alot during the nights as well. I ended up taking him to a pediatrician here in Utah. After my family has had a chance to be with him, everyone has agreed that he is abnormally very irritable. So, of course I start thinking that there is something wrong with him. Off I go to the doctor only to hear the same thing as always....Absolutely nothing wrong with him.

Cameron is still in Missouri finishing up work and here I am spending many a sleepless night battling illness and the baby from (swear words), bawling my eyes out, feeling as though I can't handle one more day with this child. I'm too proud to walk down the hall and wake my mother for help. She has to get up early in the morning for work, and....well, I guess there comes a time in life when you can't run to mom for help every time there's a problem.

After coughing until 3:00 I finally started to settle down and was feeling like I was about to finally fall asleep. Then Kashton begins. I lay there and just let him cry. Thirty minutes later he's still crying. I get up, give him the binky, rock him a little, lay him back down....More Crying. He doesn't stop. Another 30 minutes of crying goes by. All my efforts wasted...he just wont stop. I bring him to bed with me, snuggle him even though he's screaming in my ear. Forcefully I start bouncing him and pacing the hall (it's amazing the carpet isn't worn bare for how often I've done this lately). Tears streaming down my face, trying my best to shush.
Then the craziness took over.
I started telling him (in not a very quiet voice) to "JUST SHUT UP." And it continued... "What is wrong with you?" "There is nothing wrong with you." "Why have you done nothing but CRY FOR EIGHT MONTHS?"
Then it got worse...
"I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU."
"I DON'T EVEN WANT YOU ANYMORE!!!"
"WHY DID I WANT YOU SO BAD IN THE FIRST PLACE?"

What kind of mother says this to her child?

5:00 AM Finally got him to sleep and layed back down...but felt too awful to sleep. I love him, how could I say such terrible things to him.

I'm a terrible mother!!!

7 comments:

Annie AKA Emmie Lou said...

Don't feel bad. We all have our "mean mommy moments". But don;t feel like you're alone and don't be too hard on yourself. When you're sick and tired of being sick and tired a fussy little one tends to escalate your emotions. Crying won't hurt Kaston and earplugs won't hurt you either... many a mommy has done it!Love You!

Mary said...

Bethany - we really all do have our moments. I don't think we should be responsible for words spoken or actions at 3:00am - somehow your mind just doesn't work quite right then! I have felt similar emotions, especially w/child #1! She was for sure my hardest baby - but she is my sweetest now! Good luck!

Angie said...

Bethany! you are a great mom who just happened to have a little meltdown :)I'm glad to know I'm not the only one behaving like this! It's not easy having a baby that cries all the time as it is and then when you add sleep deprivation and sickness to it all it can be really bad. Adam doesn't sleep through the night...not even close. he is up every hour screaming and if we let him cry he doesn't go back to sleep it just escalates. During the day he screams all day because he wants to be held but I have to work so I just put him in his playpen and let him scream. The first thing I've learned about motherhood is that you never stop feeling guilty for one thing or another. Hang in there I hope you get feeling better soon!

TheSainOnes said...

Bethany.... You are so lucky to have a naughty little boy... you will be ready when he turns 18 and you are dealing with all the crap that comes along with that age. Trust me you will take the crying anytime.. I can tell you just to enjoy the moment and never think you can't go get your Mother.

angie said...

You are NOT a bad mother Beth, you are an AWESOME one. We all say things we don't mean sometimes. You knoe this crying will stop :) he is going to be one before you know it and then the aren't "infants" anymore. Love ya!!

Maia said...

This is something that mothers don't really talk about... the momentary flashes of wishing we'd never become mothers. But everyone experiences it. And if they say they don't, then they're lying. What you said to your baby came from extreme exhaustion and sickness and frustration. I know! I've been there! Sleep deprivation puts us in a very irrational state of mind, and it sounds like you didn't get a whole lot of sleep that morning. Plus, let's face it, Bethany... Kashton was a challenging 1st baby to have. You guys have done brilliantly with him, but any sane mother would have her moments. Allow yourself to have them, and know that you're not a bad mother because of them. A bad mother is a mother who hurts her child... who blames the child... who abandons the child. Would you ever consider doing any of those things? No, you just use words that you know your child cannot understand yet. It's like your own venting session. But don't feel alone. I've had those moments with Lynnea and she's only 2 months! Give yourself a break and know that sleep deprivation can be really difficult to deal with. Also, there's post-partum depression which they say hits between 8-12 months. I definitely had Baby Blues after the first few weeks of having her. So keep all these things in mind. You're normal. You're a wonderful mother. And you're allowed to have your moments.

Mel said...

It's first child syndrome---I swear! Reading your post took me back to many nights with Connor when he was a baby. It bites when other people tell you that your baby is "fussy"...I always had these images that he was a perfect child (why can't everyone else see that too). I am quickly reminded that he isn't perfect when I have those crying spells (I mean MY crying spells).

Too bad there were so many other grandkids for him to be compared against. He'll never win.

But you are not alone. I am glad to hear that there is someone like you (gorgeous, talented, spiritual) that goes through the same things I do.