Oh My!!!

Oh My...why am I such a nerd that I don't own a digital camera???? Anyway, I apologize in the lack-there-of in blogs. I'm doing things "old school" with a point-and-shoot camera. So as soon as I get my film developed, I'll post some pictures of Christmas. Sorry to be so behind the times. And I also apologize for my major downer previous blog. However, can you believe that it's been three weeks, I'm STILL sick, and Kashton even had a bought of illness. Both of us have been on a round of Ammoxicillian (sorry, no clue how to spell that) and Kashton is weathering much better than I am. Darn this dry Utah weather. Still, I can't complain too much because I love it here. Kashton got a little croupy but is doing much better now. Three weeks later and I'm still coughing most of the night, and I NOW have a sore throat. Yucky!! However, Cameron made it safely to Utah and it's been such a blessing having him here to help me out with Kashton.

Okay, so be prepared for some pictures soon. Sorry to be so late with the Christmas posts!!!

It's 5:30 AM...

...and why am I not sleeping? I feel so incredibily exhausted and would love to be asleep, but the feeling of guilt and remorse has overcome my desire to sleep. This night has not been much different compared to the nights over the past two weeks. The only difference is I kinda lost my temper tonight. So...you're probably wondering why I would sit down to write a very random blog at 5:30 in the morning. Well, maybe because I have mean thoughts in my head and I have to put them down somewhere.

This dry Utah weather has really taken it's toll on my health and I've been really struggling with a horrible cold for almost two weeks now. It's been impossible to sleep because as soon as I lay down, I cough. I'm amazed that even NiQuil hasn't helped in the least. Not only have I been up most of these nights coughing, but Kashton has been crying alot during the nights as well. I ended up taking him to a pediatrician here in Utah. After my family has had a chance to be with him, everyone has agreed that he is abnormally very irritable. So, of course I start thinking that there is something wrong with him. Off I go to the doctor only to hear the same thing as always....Absolutely nothing wrong with him.

Cameron is still in Missouri finishing up work and here I am spending many a sleepless night battling illness and the baby from (swear words), bawling my eyes out, feeling as though I can't handle one more day with this child. I'm too proud to walk down the hall and wake my mother for help. She has to get up early in the morning for work, and....well, I guess there comes a time in life when you can't run to mom for help every time there's a problem.

After coughing until 3:00 I finally started to settle down and was feeling like I was about to finally fall asleep. Then Kashton begins. I lay there and just let him cry. Thirty minutes later he's still crying. I get up, give him the binky, rock him a little, lay him back down....More Crying. He doesn't stop. Another 30 minutes of crying goes by. All my efforts wasted...he just wont stop. I bring him to bed with me, snuggle him even though he's screaming in my ear. Forcefully I start bouncing him and pacing the hall (it's amazing the carpet isn't worn bare for how often I've done this lately). Tears streaming down my face, trying my best to shush.
Then the craziness took over.
I started telling him (in not a very quiet voice) to "JUST SHUT UP." And it continued... "What is wrong with you?" "There is nothing wrong with you." "Why have you done nothing but CRY FOR EIGHT MONTHS?"
Then it got worse...
"I REALLY DON'T LIKE YOU."
"I DON'T EVEN WANT YOU ANYMORE!!!"
"WHY DID I WANT YOU SO BAD IN THE FIRST PLACE?"

What kind of mother says this to her child?

5:00 AM Finally got him to sleep and layed back down...but felt too awful to sleep. I love him, how could I say such terrible things to him.

I'm a terrible mother!!!