Friday, April 8, 2016

Coming Back....

Coming Back....

Once, Blogging for me was a way to keep a journal, of sorts, and to mainly keep my family and friends up to date with my "going ons" here in this little town of Branson, Missouri in which I reside. But then the world of Social Networking tidal waved it's way onto the scene and slowly...everyone stopped blogging.  Why blog?  Why keep a record of your days through long posts filled with pictures when you can quickly post about the food your eating, the crazy things your children have done, the people who are irritating you, the clothes you just bought, etc.  All within the seconds it takes to type it all out on your Smart Phone and hit "Post."  This then leads to rapid notifications and people commenting and "liking" every aspect of your day.  It's become an addiction.  People have craved that need to be "liked," noticed, accepted....

By 2012, Facebook had literally taken over the world and had expanded to billions of users.  Blogging in this manner began to diminish.  It was obsolete!

As I went over all the past blogs I use to frequent on a daily basis, I noticed a pattern.  All (yes ALL, myself included) of my friends final posts were dated between 2010 and 2011.  You no longer had to look up the blog links to your friends, click on it, and read their funny, heartbreaking, enlightening stories accompanied by pictures.  Nope!!  It became so easy to go to one page and click on a friends picture and BOOM, there was everything you needed right there.  Facebook!!  Genius!!!

So....why am I back here????

Facebook started to turn into a dark place for me.  I saw beauty, wonder, riches, happiness, joy within all these "friends" on Facebook which led to me feeling a little more inadequate every day.  I felt so left behind.  I no longer wanted to share what I was doing because it suddenly seemed so small and insignificant.  I had no grand plans or schemes.  No beautiful home to show off!  Heck..I'm 36 years old and STILL renting.  Sometimes I feel like I'm still living the college life.  My children were not excelling in some prestigious charter/private school.  They are not in countless sporting activities or dance programs.  They don't play any kind of musical instruments.  "Friends" are posting about their hot dates with their husbands while I'm thinking that it's officially been about 10 months since my last "obligatory wedding anniversary date."  Most of the time I consider myself lucky to spend ANY kind of time with my husband.  Especially when it's times spent with all four of us together.

And **GASP** Heaven forbid if someone does not like or comment on your post....
Do they not agree with me?   Do they think I'm ugly?  Or fat? Or both?  Are they comparing their kids to mine?  Did I just offend them?  Wait....did they just offend me????

And then............there's "Selfies!!"

Oh Hell!!!  Don't get me started!!!  If I was a major swearer, this is where I would insert some of those more colorful expletives.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I cant say this about all Selfies and I don't want to sound hypocritical either. Yes, I too have been guilty of Selfies.  Mine mostly consist of squishing myself and my children, or my husband, or a good friend into a tiny screen to document something special or fun going on, but......

COME ON!!!  Do you REALLY need to document your duck face lips EVERY. DAY??????

My favorite is one of my acquaintances (notice I didn't say "friend") who frequently takes pictures of herself but maybe gets half of her child in the frame and then leaves a caption like: "Isn't my little guy so cute today?"

Uh...well...I can't really see him.  So...are you really just seeking out attention for yourself and wanting people to REALLY comment on how cute you look??  That's kind of what it looks like to me....

I gag a little, vomit in the mouth, and then swallow it down each time I see these kinds of Selfies.

Also, I noticed a friend ( I truly said "friend" this time) recently who's face started to look a little...
well... let's just say she doesn't really look the same anymore...

A little more pulled, tucked, and tightened....

And suddenly...BOOM....she's taking a million Selfies.

GREAT!!!  I guess if you need to pull and tighten to feel good about yourself.  Fantastic!  Go for it!!

Not going to lie, sometimes I'm tempted myself....

Especially since if I attempt a Selfie, view it, and discover.....ACK!!  Do I really look that old now??  Look at those wrinkles!!  Are those frown lines?  I'm starting to look like a basset hound....

Delete Picture!!  And repeat....

Okay!!  Fine!!!  Yes, my self-esteem is pretty non-existent most of the time.  I get that's MY problem and not anyone else's.

So I guess let's be honest here:

Maybe I'm just a little jealous of these "perfect" little lives people seem to have with their perfectly coiffed hair-do's and tight little faces and butts.

**HA HA**  Yes...a little jealous!!

So...this is why I say I'm "coming back" with this post.  I want to get control of me again.  I want to feel empowered with myself.  I don't want to be compared.  I've always had a hard time loving and accepting myself.  I feel like I've relied too much on OTHERS acceptance and love of me.  If something makes me feel important, I suddenly am able to stand a little taller and make it through my day a little more gracefully.

Let me forewarn you....I'm also not the most positive person in the case you haven't already figured that out from the readings of this post.  In a way for me to "come back," I also feel like I need a space to just "vent."

Venting may not be the healthiest or most Christ-like thing in the world but I'm learning that I just NEED it sometimes.  I always feel happier after a good vent session.  However, I've also learned that it's not always good to vent to friends, families, strangers, etc.  Suddenly, you just get looked at as the unpleasant person that people don't want to be around.  I don't want that!!  I don't want to be that kind of person.  I WANT to be full of love and life but honestly...sometimes I just don't give a shit!!!  There is something that is bugging me and I want to get it off my chest.

I've learned though that most people simply DON'T CARE.  They don't want to hear about your problems.  Hell, they have their own problems to worry about.  They don't want to have a conversation with you and feel completely drained emotionally and physically.

I guess I say all of this because I have a friend who vents to me.  She's exhausting!  She even angers me at times, but she's my friend and I will continue to listen to her.  And then I will walk away and vent about how incredibly exhausting she is and how I need at least a week-long break from her before I can see her again.

I don't want to be like I hold my emotions inside.  I put on that happy face because THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE WANT.  They want to see happy people.  People don't always want to see "realness" because the phony smiles are easier to endure.

I need this space to just be "real" at times.  I need to be "real" in order to be me.  To find me!

So in "coming back," it means to FIND ME!!!  I need a place to be ME!!!  I need to vent, I need to be "real,"  I need to talk about what I LOVE, what bothers me, what inspires me.  I want to share something I ate that was AMAZING, I want to talk about how awesome my children are!  But I want to be able to do all of this without the judgments and critiques of others.  I want this to be my own personal space where someone is not going to critique my awful writing style (I was a Musical Theater major...not an English major), and tell me how I shouldn't begin sentences with "And" or But" or use the "dot, dot, dot" so often.  I just so happen to LIKE the "dot, dot, dot..."  I want to do that....because this is MY SPACE.  Sadly, my heart and spirit are too sensitive and I don't want to lose myself in a dark way.

I want the light to enter in....not the darkness.

So...Welcome to my journey of me "coming back....."

Hopefully it will be a good roller-coaster journey because that's what life is REALLY about: the slow climbs up, the fast falls down, the loops, the exhilaration, the fears, the thrills, the illnesses, the giggles, the screams, the disappointments, the frustrations, and the stagnant stops.

Welcome Back Bethany!!!

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